Most Christians believe deeply in marriage and see it as the foundational institution of the human race (Gen. 2:18), but many have never thought about what it does for society. For me, the most insightful book I’ve read to date on this is Marriage and Caste in America by Kay S. Hymowitz. Hymowitz is an incisive American author and senior fellow at the Manhattan Institute. She is also a contributing editor for City Journal, and her writing has appeared in the Wall Street Journal. Her analysis, although not faith-based, is research-based and shows family breakdown at the heart of our nation’s most obstinate social problems, especially poverty and inequality.
Hymowitz believes that in the healthiest societies, fatherhood and marriage go together. Concerning this, she points out that “no culture has ever designed a model of fatherhood without matrimony.”[1] When severed, she argues, entrenched multi-generational poverty is the result. “Thirty-six percent of female-headed households live below the poverty line. Compare that with 6 percent of married couple families in poverty . . . Dads in the hood have children by several different women who themselves may have sons and daughters with different men. The end result is a maelstrom of confusion, jealousy, rage, abandonment and violence.”[2]
A Life Script and a Marriage Orientation
Hymowitz says every society needs a life script. For example, for many it is childhood first, then adolescence or school or apprenticeship or some other preparation for work that would lead to self-sufficiency. Marriage often comes next and then children. Marriage helps us in this regard in that it organizes the rearing of the next generation.[3]
One of Hymowitz’s greatest insights was her identification that society needs people with a marriage orientation, not just marriage itself:
“Educated women still believe in marriage as an institution for raising children. Marriage orders life in ways we only dimly understand. Further, marriage makes it more likely that children will grow up with a dad in the house. Women with a marriage orientation organize their lives around a meaningful and beneficial life script. A marriage orientation demands that a woman keep her eye toward the future. She must go through life with deliberation. She must use self-discipline, especially when it comes to sex…”[4]
To summarize, a marriage orientation provides a helpful map to get you where you want to go. It helps you treat the decision of who you will marry and who will be the father of your children as one of the most important decisions, if not the most important decision of your life. It provides you with a societal reminder of what is best for kids.
The Nuclear Family and “The Mission”
This life script and marriage orientation, Hymowitz continues, leads to the proliferation of nuclear families. Why does this context work so well for children? For one thing, Hymowitz points out, there is the “strength in numbers” theory, meaning that two parents are more likely to have two incomes. More money means more stability, less stress, better daycare and health care, more books, more travel, and a home in a good school district. It leads to educational and workplace success. Married couples can support each other if one is laid off or would like to pursue more education. Married couples can take turns caring for children or specialize. The bottom line is that a husband and a wife who are in it together for the long haul can accomplish more.[5]
In Hymowitz’s view, when mom and dad work together in marriage, they form a kind of conspiracy to develop a labor-intensive, emotionally demanding “project” that is difficult enough for two parents. Children get a chance to discover their talents as well as to learn the self-discipline that makes those talents shine. There is a dedication to something called “the Mission.” Hymowitz defines this mission as a parental conspiracy to help their children thrive:
“[It is] the careful nurturing of a child’s cognitive, emotional, and social development, which, if all goes according to plan, will lead to the honor roll and a spot on the high school debate team, which in turn will lead to a good college, then perhaps a graduate or professional degree, which will all lead eventually to a fulfilling career . . . house . . . and a sense of meaningful accomplishment.”[6]
[1] Kay S. Hymowitz, Marriage and Caste in Society (Chicago: Ivan. R. Dee, 2006), 9, 22.
[2] Ibid., 9.
[3] Ibid., 29.
[4] Ibid.
[5] Ibid., 26–27.
[6] Ibid., 25.