“Do not speak harshly to an older man, but speak to him as to a father, to younger men as brothers, to older women as mothers, to younger women as sisters—with absolute purity.”
1 Timothy 5:1-2, NRSVUE
This year, at Mantua Creek, we’re going through the pastoral epistles and Philemon. Last week my study of the text above was so surprisingly rich and practical, that I thought I’d share it with you, along with three essentials for building a healthy and safe church family culture.
First, healthy church families are intergenerational and respectful.
The word for “older men” is presbyter or elder, a word that can also mean church leaders depending on context (4:14; 5:17, 5:19). “Older men” in 5:1 covers all those older than forty and possibly older than 50.
To “not speak harshly” is to exhort with tact. Or to say it differently, it’s “correction that is done in a conciliatory and positive way, one that seeks to restore fellowship rather than to isolate those in error.”[1] It means Timothy is to “treat even older men in need of correction with a certain deference and politeness that will ensure that the correction is unifying rather than divisive.”[2]
And “speak” covers the whole territory of “exhorting, urging, encouraging, consoling, and comforting.”[3]
McKnight captures the practical point for all of us in thinking of “older men” in the church as “fathers:” “Wise leaders seek out sages, and they listen to sages with what I have called ‘receptive reverence.’”[4]
As we all know, however, just because you’re older, doesn’t mean you’re wiser. Hebrews 5:11-14 reminds us that maturity is the result of two things. Age is one of them (“by the time you ought to be teachers”- 12a) but the other is even more important: obedience or constant use (“faculties have been trained by practice”-14).
Second, healthy church families demonstrate a loving concern and commitment to one another.
Paul continues to highlight the family imagery with “brothers,” “mothers,” and “sisters.” These family designations get at the idea that there is a loving, “mutuality of obligation”[5] in healthy churches—the kind you see in healthy biological families. Now “mutuality of obligation” is very different from the unhealthy and usually one-sided perspective that the church exists to meet my needs or the needs of my family.
Most of us are busy people with various responsibilities, many to our biological families. I know I feel all the beauty and challenge of that these days, especially with eight grandchildren! But I also feel and am cultivating a “mutuality of obligation” with my church family. I want to enjoy, as well as come alongside and support friends there too, as much as I’m able. How about you? Are those you see weekly at church your brothers or sisters, mothers or fathers in any real sense?
One of my prayers for our church is that, as we grow closer, we will not just be a few separate clans that care for and respect each other, but a true church family.
You see, there can be a shadow side to the conviction and truth that “the home is the primary conduit for passing on the faith;” that is, after giving to our biological families, we don’t have anything left beyond our white picket fences.
Additionally, I’m an introvert who loves books and writing. As my wife, Pam, knows well, it’s hard to break into my world sometimes. As I continue to grow in this area and lean into important relationships, I often remind myself of three “p’s.” Maybe they’ll be of some help to you too:
- Be part- initiate and engage. Do your best to show up or attend regularly. Or if you don’t go to church, surprise someone (maybe even yourself!) by showing up at one!
- Be present- rather than being asleep at the switch or physically present but emotionally absent, invest, take a risk, and share something of yourself.
- Be polite- if you’re in a group or text thread, remind people you’re alive. Acknowledge. Be thankful. Watch the negativity and say something that is kind, encouraging, or affirming.
Third, healthy church families take sexual purity seriously in a way that prioritizes male responsibility first.
The last thing I want to take a closer look at is the phrase “with absolute purity” at the end of verse two.[6]
Notice I said healthy church families take sexual purity seriously in a way that prioritizes male responsibility first. We haven’t gotten the italicized part of the sentence right and the #meetoo movement has given us another important mirror for reflection and correction. Historically, when it comes to sexual purity, our patriarchal (“father rule”) lenses have often put the onus more on women than men. That’s not what Paul does in 1 Timothy 5:2 and McKnight’s comments are an important critique of evangelical purity culture:
“The instruction does not put the responsibility on the woman (1) to take a purity pledge, (2) to wear a purity ring, (3) to change how she dresses, (4) to think of herself as a sex target, (5) or to become the one who fights off the men. Timothy is to tell the young men that their responsibility as Christian men… is to conduct themselves in a way that matches how Christ would relate to women. The words that come to mind are to be treated with respect and equality, as fellow disciples, and with embodied honor and verbal dignity. The juvenilization of the church has turned what was supposed to be maturing and mature men into wanting to be endlessly young men driven by hormones.”[7]
McKnight also notes that purity could be translated devotion with a “strong sense of embodied respect.”[8] Paul then intensifies this devoted respect toward our spiritual sisters by adding “absolute” or “all.” Respect is an important concept as some teaching on purity has not only been silly or weird but profoundly disrespectful. For example, some men influenced by Bill Gothard—in an attempt to avoid impure thoughts and be “dead to sin”—won’t even look an attractive female in the eyes. In discussing how attitudes like this made her feel growing up, one young lady my daughter’s age pointed out: “The very act of choosing not to look at a woman out of principle is in and of itself objectification because it says, ‘I am incapable of looking in a nonsexual way.’ It sexualizes the very act of a woman crossing your line of vision.” She went on to say, “Having spent my fair share of time talking to men’s foreheads and hairlines because they refused to look at me, this is a pretty testy topic for me.”[9]
One more thing… I spent some time looking and was surprised there were so few fresh, good songs on the church as family. Here’s an exception called Family of God by the Newsboys. Enjoy!
[1] Philip H. Towner, The Letters to Timothy and Titus (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 2006), 331.
[2] Ibid.
[3] Ibid.
[4] Scot McKnight, EBS, 1&2 Timothy, Titus, and Philemon (Grand Rapids, MI: HarperChristian Resources, 2023), 62.
[5] Ibid., 332.
[6] Towner notes that “the subsequent reference in 5:11 to the sensual appetites of certain ‘younger widows,’ quite possibly under the influence of the trend of the ‘new Roman woman’ suggest that in the present situation, Paul regards the danger of sexual impropriety (or accusations to that effect) as being especially acute for Timothy.” (332)
[7] Scot McKnight, EBS, 1&2 Timothy, Titus, and Philemon (Grand Rapids, MI: HarperChristian Resources, 2023), 62.
[8] Ibid., 61.
[9] Greg Austen, How I Became a Christian Despite the Church (Kindle Direct, 2020), 44.