Navigating the Empty Nest

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever!
Let the redeemed of the LORD say so,
whom he has redeemed from trouble
and gathered in from the lands,
from the east and from the west,
from the north and from the south.
He brought them out of darkness
and the shadow of death,
and burst their bonds apart.
Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!

Select verses from Psalm 107:1-15 (ESV)

I’ll be honest, and it came as a surprise, but my wife, Pam, and I struggled as we entered the empty nest season.

As some of you’ve experienced, once kids leave, it’s just the two of you night after night. Their presence provided a buffer from issues either known or unknown. Now, if you don’t talk, the stillness can get so thick you can cut it with a knife. In the silence, the space between you and any walls become painfully obvious. It can be a scary thing for any spouse to feel like he or she’s just not that into me anymore.

That’s why some couples get divorced or pursue separate worlds. Regarding the latter option, loneliness becomes the tradeoff for stress and tension. And, if both partners love God, it’s a way to technically guard the sanctity of marriage, a picture of God’s covenant love, and avoid divorce—something that more often than not, hurts children, and takes an axe to legacy.[1]

So how can we navigate the mid-life and empty nest years in such a way that we end up with greater intimacy and enjoyment with our spouses rather than drifting apart? Here are ten things that have helped me the most to date:

  • Stop being passive and come out of your cave. Proverbs 18: 1 says, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” (ESV)
  • Lean into God: seek his power to repent, listen, and forgive, as well as to be kind, vulnerable, and honest. Thank him for his steadfast love in your trouble. [2]
  • Channel the fire that is you (your sexuality, motivations, passions—all of it) into the good works God has created you for. Get a handle on your gifts and make the most of your “talents” to His glory. Don’t bury your specialness; rather, believe he is good and worthy of your investment.[3] 
  • View each other as good-hearted people. Extend grace to your spouse and yourself.
  • Stay steady and try not to take everything personally.
  • Be realistic: healing doesn’t happen without lots of talking, tears, and time. Many have found that it takes weeks, months, even years to become fully aware of a hurt or the root of a particular wound. Be patient with each other; you’re in it for the long haul.
  • If you’re stuck, get help.[4]
  • Love your kids and grandkids well, determine to have their backs, but don’t center your lives around them. Put your marriage and relationship first. Spend time together. Rediscover whimsy. Explore, take walks, exercise. Take on-on a shared mission or project. Identify ways to love, give, and sacrifice together.
  • Encourage one another.
  • Play to each other’s strengths and remember as C.S. Lewis said, “you’re never too old to set a new goal or dream a new dream.” Find ways to follow this advice both separately and together.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Friends!

[1] See especially Judith S. Wallerstein and Julia M. Lewis, “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: Report of a 25-Year Study,” Psychoanalytic Psychology 21, no. 3 (2004): 353–370, accessed November 14, 2016, http://www.fellowshipoftheparks.com/Documents%5CUnexpected_Legacy_of_Divorce.pdf.This follow-up study of 131 children, who were 3–18 years old when their parents divorced in the early 1970s, marks the culmination of 25 years of research. The use of extensive clinical interviews allowed for exploration in great depth of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as they negotiated childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, and adulthood. At the 25-year follow-up, a comparison group of their peers from the same community was added. Described in rich clinical detail, the findings highlight the unexpected gulf between growing up within an intact versus divorced family, and the difficulties children of divorce encounter in achieving love, sexual intimacy, and commitment to marriage and parenthood.

[2] James 4:6-10.

[3] Ephesians 2:10; Matthew 25:14-30.

[4] You can find a counselor near you that is connected with the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) here: https://connect.aacc.net/?search_type=distance