“Marriage, even in the minds of most Christians, is now perceived as a capstone that marks a successful young adult life, not the foundational hallmark of entry into adulthood. The nomenclature attests to this. A capstone is the finishing touch of a structure. It’s a moment in time. A foundation, however, is what a building rests upon. It is necessarily hard-wearing. In the foundational vision, being newly married and poor was common, expected, and difficult, but often temporary. In the capstone standard, being poor is a sign that you’re just not marriage material yet.”
Mark Regnerus, Professor of Sociology at the University of Texas at Austin and co-founder of the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture.
This past Sunday, Pam and I celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary. It was a milestone for sure for two reasons. First, despite struggles, we could still look each other in the eyes and thank God that we’re still standing, still in love, and that He is rich in mercy and mighty to save. Second, although marriage may be “the first natural bond of human society,” it’s not faring very well these days—not just in America but all over the world. Here are some of the latest U.S. stats from a great article by sociologist Mark Regenerus that I’ll cite throughout this post:[1]
- According to a Census Bureau survey taken in 2018, only 35 percent of 25 to 34-year-old men were married, a precipitous and rapid plunge from 50 percent in 2005.
- In a nationally representative survey collected in 2014 for the Austin Institute (where Regenerus works), 56 percent of self-identified evangelicals between ages 20 and 39 said they were currently married. That number is well above the 42 percent reported by the rest of the same-age population. Yet, in late 2018, when this same survey was conducted again, only 51 percent of evangelicals 20 to 39 were married, compared to 40 percent of that total population.
- A look at the Statistical Yearbook of the Church, a Catholic publication, reveals that Catholic marriages in the United States have plunged 59 percent since 1965, when there were 9 weddings for every 10 funerals. By 2017, that ratio had dipped to 3.7 for every 10.
Regenerus notes that “for the foreseeable future, then, matrimony will increasingly come to be associated with the world’s most religious citizens—Muslims, orthodox Jews, and conservative Christians.” Although this leaves us with reasons to be concerned, the good news is “Christians of all stripes still express significant social support for marriage and a strong desire to problem-solve.”
To illustrate this, at Care Net—the Christian organization I work for, when two of my colleagues recently got married, we were each asked to write down a favorite verse, quote, or piece of marital advice. All of our thoughts were then collected and given to them as part of our gift.
I chose to write out my favorite definition of marriage—one that has served me well 35 years:
“Marriage is the joining together of two needy sinners into a relationship in which the two of them together is better than either one of them would ever have been separately.”
Adapted from a definition in Sinclair Ferguson, Discovering God’s Will (Edinburgh: Banner of Truth, 1982), 92.
Yeah, that’s Pam and me: sinners, better together, and, gratefully, “still the one” for each other.
Now I know that “sinners” isn’t a word that stirs up warm fuzzies, nor will it ever be included in the title of a Hallmark channel movie. Still, it’s a concept that’s foundational for a good marriage because it sets realistic expectations. Regenerus reminds us that “Marriage is an earthly arrangement, one that our Lord noted will not be found in the post-resurrection kingdom of God (Matt. 22:30). It’s a tool for material flourishing and a vehicle for spiritual progress that provides daily (if not hourly) opportunities to exhibit sacrificial, incarnational love.”
Now I’m all for romance and passion—and I’ve enjoyed plenty in my marriage to Pam, but in real life it’s not always like that. Further, as sinners, we’re not always loveable. That’s why a good marriage requires a lot of longsuffering and selflessness. It’s not a 50/50 arrangement. It’s 100%/100%. Again, better to view marriage as a foundation than a capstone. Regenerus illustrates the capstone mentality in an interview with “Chloe, a 27-year-old… from Michigan.” She says, “You have your 20s to focus on you… and then [after that] you try to help others.” Regenerus then makes this amazingly important observation for our times: “This approach, common among [Chloe’s] peers, is poor preparation for marriage. Self-sacrifice is learned behavior, not a gift for your 30th birthday.”
Here are two other great pieces of wisdom from his research and analysis:
- If you’re single and desperately want to get married: “Meeting a mate seemed more likely to occur—or be on its way soon—when our interviewees focused on holiness before loneliness.”
- If you’ve been married for a long time and want to help, not further hurt, marriage as an institution: “One Russian interviewee remarked, bad examples serve as ‘a sort of vaccine against marriage.’ By contrast, good examples inspire the next generation… ‘How parents live their marriage will make a strong impression,’ he said. ‘And I imagine that if the relationship is sweet, if there is really love, I think that generates enthusiasm in a young person to say, ‘I want something like my parents have.’’”
[1] https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2020/july-august/marriage-save-church-declining-christians-global.html