*This piece is written in tribute of George and Barbara Bush’s 73-year marriage—the longest in Presidential history—and is dedicated to my newest son, Josh Ginchereau, who is about to marry my youngest, one and only daughter, and dear friend, Emily Elizabeth Austen.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7, ESV)

Most healthy marriages have both seasons of delight and difficulty. I’m confident you’ll figure out, celebrate, and enjoy the former; this piece is offered as my best advice with the later. In fact, there’s nothing that’s been more practically helpful in the tough times, contributing to the longevity of my almost thirty-two-year marriage to Pam, than the verse above. Here’s why:

• It teaches me that my connectedness to God is intimately tied to how I treat her. “…so that your prayers may not be hindered.” Since I care deeply about my relationship with God and depend on his light to guide my steps, that’s a sobering thought. James 5:16b says, “the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” (NIV) The righteous man in James is a good man whose prayers make a difference. Peter adds the thought that one of the primary evidences of a good man is how he treats his wife. It’s one of the foundation walls of a godly man’s house. A man who doesn’t treat his wife with understanding should be under no illusion that he has God’s ear.
• It reminds me that she’s “the weaker vessel”. In considering the context of this passage (1-6) and the meaning of the phrase, I agree with those scholars that have acknowledged:

“While it would be wrong to think that everything was bad for women in the Jewish world, it would not be wrong to think that their world was highly restrictive, patriarchal, and clearly debilitating to the development of their gifts…Here Peter participates in the early Christian tendency to elevate the position of women in society.”[1]

Peter is not saying that women are inferior to men as the passage clearly says “they are heirs with you”—equal partners—in the grace of life. What does he mean by “weaker vessel,” then? Many conservative “interpreters differ over whether… [it] means weaker in terms of delegated authority, emotions, or physical strength.”[2] Of course, the most obvious interpretation is physical. It’s also the most exegetically supported:

“Insomuch as the preponderance of evidence in the ancient world uses identical or similar language when describing a woman’s physical condition, it is almost certain that Peter has in mind a woman’s physical capacities.”[3]

Our biology and experience further support this interpretation. On average, men are fifty percent stronger than women. Hollywood may continue to deny this with movies like Atomic Blonde, but that doesn’t change reality. Despite cultural push-back, it is honorable and fully respectful of a woman’s femininity to move heavy items for her, to open doors, or offer a hand up or down from a difficult place. In the biblical view, these actions aren’t meant to demean or take away from a woman’s capability. They’re practical ways of showing respect, kindness, and appreciation for who she is.

Although I think it’s misogynistic to view women as weaker emotionally than men, I do think Peter’s words can be applied to the area of emotions. Let me explain: Every weakness has a strength and every strength has a weakness.  Or to say it differently, even our strengths have a shadow side.  For example, on average, women have more emotional intelligence than men. One friend recently shared her experience:

“I kind of felt like a therapist to him. Asking open ended questions, waiting forever for a response and then having to ask more questions to see if he would talk. Eventually he started talking about the root of what was bothering him.”

This can be frustrating for many wives but, thankfully, many are kind enough to coach their husbands in ways that help them get better at expressing emotion. Because women are more emotionally hard-wired and better nurturers, however, that same sensitivity can mean they are less compartmental in their thinking—that is, less able to separate themselves emotionally. Being able to feel deeper can also mean you wound deeper. Again, although every relationship is unique and will have to find its own equilibrium, there’s need to “live with her in an understanding way.” Kindness matters. Tenderness is required.

As men, our strength and fortitude for certain things come with the liability of being emotionally-challenged in others. Some of us have the sensitivity of a football linebacker or defensive end! Not every situation calls for J.J. Watt or Rambo, and emotions are like delicate flowers that need to be handled with care.

• It warns me when my marriage is starting to get in a bad place. In thinking on this passage for years, I’ve realized that the opposite of dwelling with your wife in an understanding way is despising her weaknesses. Again, weaknesses broadly speaking are those shadow-side things about us—even our idiosyncrasies—that stress can exacerbate. When I start to focus on and despise these in Pam or lack compassion for how stress is affecting her, I know I’m on dangerous ground. When this happens, 1 Peter 3:7 becomes a mirror of grace to show me I’m not viewing Pam as my first treasure and, as mentioned above, I should be under no illusion that God’s okay with that. Many times, it’s been this text that’s brought me back and helped restore Pam to her rightful place as my first love and treasure.

May God give you grace and joy to live with your wife in an understanding way, cherishing, and loving her for a lifetime.

[1] Scot McKnight, The NIV Application Commentary, 1 Peter (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1996), 183-186.

[2] ESV Study Bible, 2409.

[3] Op.cit., 186.