“I knew he loved me… but he would lock himself away.”
I’ve heard many versions of this in my pastoral ministry over the years and it’s a real problem. Batman may do some of his best work in his cave, but hero-dads need to think through the healthy and unhealthy parts of isolation– including our legitimate need for solitude, quietness, and rest at times– so we don’t hurt our families. This can be tough, as we all have different personalities and have been influenced more than we know by the example of our parents and others, including our favorite musicians, sports figures, actors, authors, and other cultural celebrities.
Early on, I can remember reading a biography about Daniel Boone and resonating with his mother’s observation about how he could spend days alone in the woods: “I think thee loves the quiet…” Over time, I learned I was something called an introvert—someone who is energized by time alone and quiet—and one of my favorite books became Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. Cain helped me understand that “there is a place in God’s kingdom for sensitive, reflective types. It’s not easy to claim but it’s there.”[1] But she has also helped me understand that just as “it can be hard for extroverts to understand how badly introverts need to recharge at the end of the day…, it is also hard for introverts to understand how hurtful their silence can be.”[2] Sadly, I haven’t always gotten that right and I’ll share how in Part 2 of this post.
Even my journey toward manhood was full of loner types like Robert Redford in Jeremiah Johnson (pictured above) or Chuck Norris as Lonewolf McQuade. And at fifteen I wanted to be a forest ranger but eventually was dissuaded from this vocational direction, partly through a sermon my pastor preached on how God’s will involves people. Later in my thirties, although I liked some of Thoreau’s writings (e.g. “a taste for the beautiful is most cultivated out of doors…”), I came to see many of his insights as self-absorbed and narcissistic.
On a related note, although certainly more God-focused and less individualistic than Thoreau, I had to think through my view on monastic orders promoted by certain streams of Christianity. I came to resonate with this perspective from Abraham Kuyper:
“In every age there have been those who for the sake of cleaving solely unto God have renounced life in the world, and have withdrawn themselves to cell or hermitage. But though they could banish the world from the cloister, they took their hearts with them, and it was the heart itself that obstructed the way to closer fellowship with God. This was possible in Paradise, and has become such again in the congregation of the saints made perfect above. But it is not within reach here on earth. We may not withdraw ourselves from life. We have here a calling to fulfill, and to do service for our God.”[3]
And certainly one of the highest callings and greatest services to God on the planet is being a great dad. That’s why the following verse has been a means of grace to help me see that my proclivity to isolate is often a selfish and foolish choice:
“Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.”
Prov. 18:1, ESV
As the German pastor, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, once said, “Man’s entire spirituality is interwoven with sociality.”[4] In other words, our spirituality and growth cannot take place apart from socializing with others; we need community to grow. In fact, if you think about it, even the fruit of our spirituality and growth can only be expressed in community (our social networks).
[1] Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking,67.
[2] Ibid., 228.
[3] Abraham Kuyper, To Be Near Unto God (https://a.co/bA30LTA)
[4] Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Communion of Saints, trans. Ronald G. Smith et al (New York: Harper & Row, 1962). 48.