It was the morning of July 19, 2014—the day after my oldest son’s wedding—and I was lost in thought. Just the night before, at the glorious end of a full day of celebration, Pam and I had watched as he, his beautiful bride, and many friends danced with all their hearts to Coldplay’s “Sky Full of Stars.” Standing there, watching their joy and knowing what marriage signifies, was one of the best moments of our lives. Now we were riding in the car, returning serving equipment to the caterers, and I was suddenly overcome with tears of painful emotion. Pam asked me what was wrong and, as I searched my soul, trying to articulate an answer, I finally said, “I just hope we gave him our best. I know I failed him at times, but I hope we gave him what he needed.”

Few questions loom larger for good parents than, “How do I give my kids my best and what they will need to succeed?” Success in this context means raising kids who are wise, self-aware, empathetic, culturally literate, pure, and God-fearing; who also have vocational direction and their self-worth rooted in the cross; who enjoy relationships and are prepared for healthy marriage—whether they will marry or not; who care about beauty, justice, and—to the extent that they have the capacity—are able to make a positive impact on their world. It’s important to give this nuance as, sadly, not every father shares the same definition of success. Linda Hamilton, for instance, says that when she wanted to get married to Canadian filmmaker James Cameron and have kids, “he used to say to me, ‘Anybody can be a father or a husband. There are only five people in the world who can do what I do, and I’m going for that.’”[1]

But, again, good dads will regularly ask “How do I give my kids my best and what they will need to succeed?” Implied in the first part of this question, “How do I,” is the fact that we can only give what we have. There are no perfect parents, and even the best parents fail, wound, and pass on baggage to their kids. This thought grips us at times and can cause us to be hesitant, but understanding our profound need for grace helps us come to terms with our deficiencies. The answer to the second part of the question, “What they will need to succeed,”—must be supplied by God in a variety of ways—not just through us. Although our hearts are to give our best, hero-dads are profoundly aware that we don’t have everything they need.

I’ve had times of financial challenge and unemployment where I lacked what my kids required for high school. In one instance, God prompted two single friends to pay for them to make the transition to a private Christian school. Further, that school is where our two boys and daughter met their spouses. The truth is that the initiative of these two friends changed the course of our family’s life in a critical way. Even during the college years, during a bumpy job transition, an aunt and uncle gave 20K and a car to two of our kids to assist with college needs. God filling in for our lack in these kinds of ways is both severely humbling and faith-building. Parenting will regularly put us in situations where what we have to give is not enough. But here’s the comfort: “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”[2] Giving our kids all that they need is definitely a bigger task than we can handle, but gratefully, God has our backs!

[1] https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2009/10/26/man-of-extremes

[2] Proverbs 16:9.