Although the primary culture shift that took dads out of the home dates back to 1760 and the Industrial Revolution, in North America, changes in attitudes toward marriage are more recent, dating back to the 1960s. During this time, our culture began to aggressively delink sex from marriage and parenting. Further, even the sacred ties between marriage and parenting began to fray as children became optional or, worse, expendable. The changes can be illustrated as follows:
| Marriage was: | Marriage became: |
| Primarily focused on raising the next generation of healthy children | Primarily focused on creating and maintaining adult happiness |
| An institution | A personal relationship only |
| Used to accomplish a collective purpose | More individualistic—used to satisfy two people |
| Determined by what’s good for society | Determined by what’s good for me |
| Seen as normal, with divorce and unwed childbearing seen as abnormal and disastrous | Seen as optional, with divorce and unwed childbearing seen as normal |
Fast forward to the 21rst century: According to 2018 Census data, only 35 percent of 25 to 34-year-old men were married, a precipitous and rapid plunge from 50 percent in 2005.[1] Let’s look at three sub-biblical perspectives on marriage that we’ve either inherited from or were exacerbated during the 60s, the first two less common among those who identify as Christians. That being said, I’ll only touch on the first two, interacting more with the last.
View #1: Marriage as institutionalized dishonesty and a toxic white hang-up.
Toni Bentley, author of The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir, said that Monogamy is “a charade we insist on, thus institutionalizing dishonesty.”[2] In this perspective, marriage is only about the oppression of women and male privilege, an effort to deny women their independence and sexuality.
View #2: Marriage as less desired than unrestrained casual sex.
In this take, marriage is less nefarious, but still an unwelcome straight jacket for those in their prime. Although we could illustrate this view in a myriad of ways, here’s just one example from the Bond movie franchise’s (which began in 1962) The World Is Not Enough:
Elektra King: “What do you do to survive?”
James Bond: “I take pleasure in great beauty.” (Defined in this context, as “I take pleasure in lots of casual sex with beautiful women.”)
View #3: Marriage as less desired than cohabitation.
In my work at Care Net, I’ve found it interesting that 86% of women who have abortions are unmarried and, of those unmarried, 31% are cohabiting with their partner.[3] The ministry Axis points out that, “in theory, cohabitation could be considered a way of trying out marriage before committing to it. But as Barry Schwartz points out in The Paradox of Choice, ‘What we don’t realize is that the very option of being allowed to change our minds seems to increase the chances that we will change our minds. When we can change our minds about decisions, we are less satisfied with them… Knowing that you’ve made a choice that you will not reverse allows you to pour your energy into improving the relationship that you have rather than constantly second-guessing it.’”[4]
Consider also the following research on cohabitation vs. marriage:
- People who get married earlier report slightly higher levels of sexual satisfaction and conflict resolution in their relationships.[5]
- Women who waited until marriage to live with a partner and also married got between 22 and 30 had some of the lowest divorce rates in the country.[6] On this and the stat above, Axis again notes, “We don’t want to put undue pressure on teens that they need to rush to find ‘the one,’ but it’s helpful to point out that some of the happiest couples have made romantic choices that are not the cultural norm.”[7]
- Mark Regnerus, Professor of Sociology at the University of Texas at Austin and co-founder of the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture observed that “meeting a mate seemed more likely to occur—or be on its way soon—when our interviewees focused on holiness before loneliness.”[8]
[1] https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2020/july-august/marriage-save-church-declining-christians-global.html
[2] Toni Bentley, “Monogamy Is a Charade,” Time Magazine, September 11, 2015, accessed November 14, 2016, http://time.com/4028153/toni-bentley-is-monogamy-over/.
[3] Guttmacher Institute.
[4] Axis Culture Translator Vol. 8, Issue 6, February 11, 2022
[5] http://nationalmarriageproject.org/reports/
[6] https://www.wsj.com/articles/too-risky-to-wed-in-your-20s-not-if-you-avoid-cohabiting-first-11644037261
[7] Axis Culture Translator Vol. 8, Issue 6, February 11, 2022
[8] https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2020/july-august/marriage-save-church-declining-christians-global.html