“Honor your father and your mother” is a command that’s central to our faith, even if discerning exactly what that looks like is challenging in various seasons of life– ours or our parents. Many of us know by personal experience that there is a lot of emotional, physical, and psychological fatigue associated with caring for aging parents. As one Canadian friend recently shared: “It’s an intense commitment with challenges dealing with the later stages of life, as well as working things out with siblings.”
In my own journey with Pam these last six months, caring for my father in our home and then—just this week—securing a permanent spot for him in an excellent long-term care facility, we’ve definitely been stretched. This week, I’d like to share some guidance from Scripture through the lens of one branch of the Christian Church, as well as some specific lessons learned in caring for my dad.
As I’ve been working on completing my book Irreplaceable: Recovering God’s Heart for Dads, here’s an interesting verse I came across: “For this reason, I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named” (Eph 3:14).
For our purposes, the words italicized are better translated “every fatherhood” or “every paternity” as this is the literal meaning of the Greek word, patria, and in this context it’s closely related to God the Father (pater). “Every fatherhood” also shows Paul’s creative wordplay: “For this cause I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, of whom all paternity [every fatherhood] in heaven and earth is named…” (Eph. 3:14, DRB)[1]
And here’s the Roman Catholic take on how the verse above relates to honoring parents:
- “The divine fatherhood is the source of human fatherhood; this is the foundation of the honor owed to parents.”[2] In other words, regardless of intimacy and Abba closeness (parallel to God as redemptive Father that I’ve written about here), our parents are our source and contributed to creating, making, and establishing us (parallel to God as universal Father that I’ve written about here). For these reasons alone they deserve our honor.
- “As much as they can, they [the parent’s children] must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress.” [3]
It’s worth noting that “as much as they can” does not mean center your lives around or stop caring for yourself or your marriage. And it doesn’t mean giving up all the benefits associated with a particular season of life to care for your parent(s) either. What I had to wrestle through in caring for my dad was that “as much as you can” included acknowledging the unsustainability of our current situation and shifting our focus back to transitioning him into a better place.
And here’s some pastoral advice based on my experience these last six months:
- Acknowledge and bow before God who uses adversity to shape us (Rom. 5:3-5:8:28-29a). They say, “that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Or, as a friend recently shared on FB, “That which doesn’t kill you mutates and tries again!” 🙂 Besides the Romans passages I just referenced, verses like the following have provided powerful reminders about how God often uses seemingly “unsolvable problems” to make us more like Christ: “Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word… It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes… I know, O LORD, that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me. Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant. Let your mercy come to me, that I may live…” -Psa. 119:67,71,75-77a (ESV)
- If you need help, ask for it. For example, our family and the friends in our small group recently made it possible for us to go away on vacation and to celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary. But we had to ask for help. And, truth be told, Pam especially had to do a ton of work on the front end to make that happen. But in the process of “bearing one another’s burdens,” and all the giving and receiving of love, we became closer. And my dad experienced love from others, not just us.
- Beware of burnout. This is a larger topic but for now I’ll just share two observations from Clergy Self Care by Roy Oswalt:
- “Burnout can occur when people overuse their listening or caring capacities. They become consumed by too many needy people or too much responsibility over long periods of time.”
- “The key factor that determines whether people in helping professions burn out seems to be control. How much control does the person have over how many needy, hurting people invade their space?”
- If your situation is not sustainable, pray for and work toward deliverance.
- Pray for: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” (James 1:5, NIV)
- Work toward: This government site was invaluable for identifying both assisted living and long-term care facilities near me. You just type in your zip code, and it gives detailed info on how each facility is rated and which ones take Medicaid. You can then take this list and start doing your own research.
- Don’t lose hope. Ephesians 3: 20 says, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…” (NIV) I had a plan related to getting my dad into one of the three best facilities near us but, through a surprise series of events, God answered our prayers in a way that got him safely into the very best of those three. I am still in awe at His kindness and to Him be the glory!
[1] Even if the more inclusive “every family” is preferred, “every fatherhood” that I’ve inserted in brackets is certainly included. However, by using “family,” “fatherhood” is then hidden under a larger umbrella. Additionally, our modern inclusive sensibility may unwittingly cause us to obscure the traditional importance of fathers in this passage and elsewhere. After all, even in modern paternity tests, the question, “Who is the father?” has far less significance than it used to—that is, unless one needs to establish paternity to collect child support.
[2] Catechism of the Catholic Church (Liguori, MO: Liguori Publications, 1994), 534. Additionally, the Catholic Bibles, Catholic Public Domain Version (CPDV) and the Douay-Rheims Challoner Revision 1752 (DRC 1752), both reinforce this foundation and insight by translating patria in 3:14 as “paternity.” The point of this passage is to emphasize “the cosmic scope of God’s reign and purposes . . . [all] as existing under the one God.”
[3] Ibid., 535.